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The ‘after losing it’ years

     After the neighbor de-virginizer and his family moved away, through the rest of middle school and the first couple years of high school there were hot boys, ugly boys, total assholes, super nice boys, all sorts of boys (10 to be exact)  that made their fumbly way under my shirt and into my pants.  Some while under the influence of cheap marijuana or gross liquor and a couple totally sober and under the spell of teenage love.   Almost all were in the presence of my best friend,  ‘A’  who also had a constant stream of boys in and around her pants.  One especially memorable time she and her boyfriend were upstairs while me and my hookup of the week were downstairs, he was still pounding away at me when they came downstairs to interrupt, talk about humiliating.  He took off the condom and flung it across the room at them as they walked in, of course he missed them and it hit the wall and spilled stuff all over the wall.  Guess who got to pull her panties up and clean that mess?  This girl.   Another special time was when one of them decided to tell me how much he loved ‘A’ right after we had awkward uncomfortable sex.  Great.  A particularly scary situation had me making out outside a movie theater while my parents were out of town and my auntie was having a panic attack trying to find me.   While still in catholic school hell I got caught giving a friends hottie neighbor a blow job and had to write my mom a note to tell her about it.  Surprisingly,  that didn’t go to well, and after she was done throwing a shit fit she made me go in for my first female exam at 14 and somehow the whole school found out about it.  Added to the list of why I hated catholic school.

My freshman year in high school brought me back to a public school and normal people which was good.  I actually made real friends with kids that liked me for who I was and enjoyed school for the first time.  All good things come to an end though and 3 months into my freshman year we moved out to the country and back into a small school where I was once again outcast.

      Early in my sophomore year the hottest freshman and I started dating, I don’t think we ever had sex , really we just rode around in the back seat of his sisters station wagon making out and smoking a ridiculous amount of weed, but that didn’t stop me from obsessing about him for the rest of the year after our month of love.  No reason for the ending was ever given, he just stopped talking to me and avoided me in the halls.   Later my sophomore year I got hired at a big name retail store in the next town over and being so smart I quickly worked my way out of the cashier stand and onto the sales floor where I spent the next 2 years selling paint and DIY supplies, electronics and sporting goods.  One of the many crushes I quickly developed was with JW.  A much older(27) man with a bitchin car and smooth lines.  Of course I was in love instantly.  We spent hours at his house in the boonies drinking budweiser cans and flirting and eventually kissing and touching.  I think we are on the fast track to eternal bliss until I find out he asked another girl, my friend, out on a date.  I was so confused and hurt and tried so hard not to show it.  An early indication of my social awkwardness because I had no emotional tools or knowledge of how to deal with this.  My friendship with the girl was over and the heartache was unbearable until she moved away for collage and months later he was able to talk to me without being weird. Once again we never had sex but the memories and feelings affected me profoundly.  This is one of the first times I remember the distinct feeling of not being enough.  Not cute enough, smart enough, witty, funny, clever, thin, interesting… my list of  ‘not enoughs’  goes on and on and is still in effect today. 


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